


If you could see me now

by SpiralOfShame



Category: The Dragon Prince (Cartoon)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Claudia and Viren are only mentioned, Gen, It also might just be straight up angst, My attempt at Soren angst, The author is sort of sorry, Viren is canonically a gaslighter and you cannot convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22619284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralOfShame/pseuds/SpiralOfShame
Summary: My take on Soren's inner thoughts and motivations up to season three. Goes until right before that one time he tried to stab McBitch.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	If you could see me now

When his father gave him the mission to kill the princes, there was a tiny, unsettling part of him that was excited. Maybe this was it, his chance to prove he was as smart as his sister, as strong as general Amaya, as important as the princes. 

He was proud too. Being selected for the task of killing the princes meant his dad knew he would be strong enough to do it. He valued him. He saw an impossible task and thought to himself, _ah yes, my strong, brave son who I value is the one I need for the job._ Soren was finally useful. 

The larger part of him was scared and concerned, these were his friends. Or at least, the closest people he had to friends. Why should he be okay with...

But his dad said it was the right thing, and they had run off with an elf. Everything he knew about elves named them bloodthirsty murderers. How could they go willingly with a known assassin? Especially one who had been involved in killing their dad! His dad was so smart, he always knew things that no one else did. If he said it was the right thing to do, then it must be. Even if it hurt to do it. 

That’s what he told himself when he loosened the peg on the slidey thing he made. His dad would want him to be strong, after all, why would he need to build all that muscle if he had a weak will? That meant, no more friends. It was okay, he only needed his sister anyways. She had always been there for him, and their dad clearly loved her; he’d never ask Soren to… kill her. 

He wasn’t sure how to feel when the elf caught him. Relieved that Ezran would live, scared of what his father would say. Then the elf caught the rope with her sword thingy, and a part of him felt ready. No more hard decisions, no more disappointing his father, no more confusion or fear. I deserve it.

That should have tipped him off. Sure, it scared him later how willing he was to die, and then, when he slammed into the rock, it frightened him how happy he was to be bedridden. He could do something else with his life, now that he wasn’t valuable to his father. Maybe if he wrote well enough, his father would hear of him from the palace and come and sit next to him and tell him he was proud of his work. 

Then Claudia…

And he worried. His sister was much more committed to making their dad proud. It made sense. She was willing to… do what needed to be done. It was no wonder that their dad loved her more. She had used her magic to fix him when he was the reason he was bedridden in the first place.

He didn’t say anything in front of Ezran when Claudia told him to confirm their innocence. He wasn’t innocent. He was ready to kill Ezran, or he thought he was. His friend. A child. An innocent child.

The final piece should have fallen into place when they were taken to his father’s cell. 

“That doesn’t matter!”

It rang in his head. Louder and louder as the silence dragged on. 

Later, he would think back on how his first instinct was _I should have died fighting that dragon. He would miss me then. He would feel sorry. He would tell Claudia that he loved me and wanted me to live._ Later, he would even question why he cared more about his father’s love than his own life. 

At the moment, all he thought was, _I’m an idiot. I’m mean to Callum and Ezran, and all of a sudden, I’m ready to kill them over a misunderstanding. Dad must have known, maybe he was even preparing me for myself. “Accidents happen,” he was trying to tell me that even if I failed, he would understand. But now… I could have killed them. Of course he doesn’t care if I could have died, he thinks I’m a murderer._

Then, the final straw. And he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before. “I would have asked you to choose the egg over my life if it came to it. Do you understand?”

A moment of clarity struck him. All those times he risked everything, life and limb, his friends’ lives and limbs. _Dad’s been risking his life too. He’s in jail! And I’m selfish._

Everything in his mind felt jumbled. For the next few days, he would run off and sit somewhere quiet. He wasn’t really meditating as much as he was thinking about everything that had happened since King Harrow died. All he had done, all he had been asked to do. 

He thought back further. Watching their mom leave. The weeks leading up to it. Their father coming home in tears and leaning on him for support. How useful he felt then. How loved he felt when he chose his dad. How that soured when he was too squeamish for dark magic, and Claudia wasn’t. 

Joining the guard, trying to be important. To anyone. Never feeling smart enough. 

The click into place was gradual. Soren thought of the princes and their father and the love he could see any time King Harrow talked to either of his sons. General Amaya and the fierceness with which she protected the princes, never asking them to do anything dangerous. How their mother had held them when she was alive. 

_What did I do that was so wrong that I didn’t deserve that?_

_What did Claudia do that was so much better than me?_

He wanted to hit himself for thinking that when he finally pieced it all together. When he realized she wasn’t his enemy. She had been hurt too. She just didn’t know it yet. 

So he ran. He left. Chasing after the princes, apologizing, calling his dad what he really was, a villain. 

_Maybe there wasn’t anything I could do to make him love me._

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment on this incredibly self-indulgent thing I wrote while overcaffeinated and projecting heavily onto Soren.


End file.
